Texts From Last Night
by mermaid2bseeker
Summary: Snippets and Stories inspired by my surfing TFLN. Some, most, will be text-based interactions between the characters, some will be fleshed out stories.
1. Chapter 1

_(321) laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked,_

_talking to his wife who's sitting across from us _

_like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting._

The murmur of soft conversation woke Watson from his post-coital nap. He rubbed his face into his pillow trying to force the softness back into his brain. His pillow laughed. . .

"That is very unlikely to happen dear chap." Wait. . .

Watson opened his eyes to the sheet covered stomach of his flat-mate. "So sorry." He shifted up the bed, propping himself against the headboard.

"Mary and I were just having a lovely conversation about disciplining wayward children."

"Mary!" Watson turned, and yes, Mary was sat near the foot of the bed, a knitting project in her lap. Her needles going click-click seemed to echo in the dreadful quite. "Mary!"

She smiled her "this-child-has-just-done-a-wee-into-his-socks-and-now-needs-comfort smile. "John relax. I knew you and Mr. Holmes – "

"Sherlock now, surely," his friend interrupted.

"—and Sherlock were involved from the moment I met you."

Watson gaped open-mouthed.

"When I married you it was with the understanding that I would have to share you."

"I don't remember that in our vows."

She placed her bundle in the basket at her feet and rose. "The things I have planned for you are hardly fit for airing in polite society." She began unlacing her dress.

"But. . . "

"Oh shush, old boy. Let us enjoy our wife."

"My wife."

"Our wife."

"Boys I'm waiting."


	2. Chapter 2

I love you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kick in so it's legit – SH

Drugs? Dammit Sherlock! – Lestrade

Wrong number. Fwd to John. No law against painkillers, broken arm - SH


	3. Chapter 3

_(808) Don't worry about the blood on the pillow it's from my face._

_(520) So you had sex with my brother._

John carefully made his way down the stairs, laundry basket in hand. "Got anything needs doing?" he called out to her once he reached the landing.

"Just my sheets."

Which were still on her bed. John sighed and dropped the basket. He made quick works of stripping the duvet, pillowcases, and sheet . . .

There was blood on the undersheet, not a lot, but recent. Not unusual, he'd had other girlfriends and accidents happened. . . immediately, the doctor part of his brain nudged him with the fact that she was still two weeks from her cycle. She always made him buy the tampons.

"Um. . . Sherlock?"

"Don't worry about the blood, it's perfectly normal."

"What? Is everything okay?"

"Little sore; you were my first. Bleeding was to be expected."

John felt ashamed he hadn't noticed last night. He should have been more attentive.

"I didn't tell you because it would have influenced your performance. I didn't want that."

John's phone vibrated.

_**So, you had sex with my sister. – MH**_

"Did you tell Mycroft?"

"My brother sees fit to bug the flat, I keep finding them, he keeps replacing them."

_**I would make a threat but we both know it's not necessary – MH**_


	4. Chapter 4

_(956) Is there a reason there's a cup of piss in the fridge?_

John took a sip. "SHERLOCK!" not apple juice then.

"You've discovered my latest experiment."

"Is there a reason there's a jug of piss in the fridge?"

"Studying the thickening effects of lowered temperatures on urine."

"Remember the conversation we had about labeling things?"

"No."

"I thought it was apple juice."

"Did you buy apple juice?"

"No."

"Then why would you think it was apple juice?"

"Aaargh!"


	5. Chapter 5

_(850) Your lack of a response has proven_

_you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am._

Going shopping. Need anything – JW

1 litre nacho cheese dip. 38 sheepskin condoms – SH

You being 'dead' for three years really made me forget how crazy you are – JW

A man's alibi depends on it. – SH

Even if he did the crime, he should get credit for whatever alibi he claimed that would require those items – JW

Hang on . . . isn't Mycroft allergic to latex? – JW

Are you deducing or jumping to conclusions? - SH

You just want to throw cheese at your brother, don't you – JW

He is being IRRITATING - SH


	6. Chapter 6

I awoke with 47 plastic flamingos around my bed. Explanation? – SH

You said they were your minions of science that protected you from Mycroft. – JW

Phobia. Also, never doing tequila again. – SH


	7. Chapter 7

_(403) Define 'illegal.' Your idea of it and_

_mine are in separate universes. _

_(810) I wish I could teleport._

Bored. – SH

Oh lord. – JW

Need more bullets. Experiment – SH

Don't do anything illegal. – JW

Define 'illegal.' Your idea of it and mine are in separate universes. – SH

Be home soon – JW

Where are you? – SH

'Soon' passed an hour ago. – SH

JOHN! – SH

I WISH I COULD TELEPORT – JW

What does Mycroft want now? – SH

Offering me money to spy on you . . . again. – JW

Repeating himself? Must be desperate. – SH

Well you do keep destroying his bugs – JW

Tell him his fat is showing – SH

Hello to you too, brother – MH – JW

Stop kidnapping John – SH

He's is free to leave at any time – MH – JW

Have you informed him of this fact? – SH

Coming home – JW

Said yes to the money. . . don't know why he believed me – JW

Doesn't. Wants to see what we'll do – SH

Tell him I'm thinking of raising bees. – SH

O.o – JW


	8. Chapter 8

_(337) I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last three days._

_Not sure if that means I'm dedicated to my job or our sex life._

Bored – SH

Sleeping – JW

Obviously, not. – SH

I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last three days. Not sure if that means I'm dedicated to my job or our sex life. – JW

Please tell me that was meant for Sherlock. – Lestrade

Oops. . - JW

Just received interesting text from Lestrade. – SH

I am going back to sleep. – JW

John – SH

JOHN – SH

You took the battery out, didn't you? Cheater – SH


	9. Chapter 9

Bored – SH

NO – JW

I've got a party in my trousers and you're invited. – SH

I am more sore today than when I got shot ! – JW

Are you telling me I bang harder than a sniper – SH

Not the point! - JW


	10. Chapter 10

_(612) You text me last night that you invented a new food._

_Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats you invented toast._

The suspect spiked my drink. – SH

Excellent deduction. Was it the bed full of goldfish crackers that gave you the clue? – JW

I may have shot a 3 into the wall. – SH

Less than three? – JW

With your name in it. – SH

Goddamit, do you know how hard it is to find bullets here? – JW

Why is there bread all over the kitchen? – SH

You were convinced you invented cheese-less grilled cheese. – JW

So, I invented toast? Dull. – SH


	11. Chapter 11

_(818) I'm lost and stupid without you._

I'm lost and stupid without you. – SH

I have no response to that. – JW

MasS teXt – does neoine no whererere I m? – SH

Ah, you meant that literally. – JW


	12. Chapter 12

Help. A Mary Sue is in my bed. – SH

. . . Do you not know what to do with a woman? – JW

Not a woman. A Mary Sue. – SH

Vicious. Obsessed. Wants my 'ginger babies' – SH

I'll buy you some condoms. – JW

Not the point! – SH

Get rid of her. Spill some severed fingers on her or something. – JW

Tried. Seemed to think it was foreplay. – SH

Does she like dinosaurs? – JW

What's a dinosaur? – SH

Just introduce her to Anderson. – JW

Too evil. – SH

He deserves it – JW

Too evil to the woman – SH

Shes leaving, told her Mycroft was single. – SH

EVIL – JW

:D - SH


	13. Chapter 13

Attachment: sherringford jpg - SH

I didn't know you had a twin. – JW

Excellent, my disguise is flawless. – SH

That was you! Case? – JW

No. Anderson. – SH

. . . .Ew – JW

Also, thought he liked dinosaurs. – JW

Whoever started those rumors can not have known how long they would last. – SH

Why does Anderson need you to look like a woman? – JW

I need him to have sex with me. – SH

Oh god why? – JW

Need sperm sample. – SH

YOU HAVE A PENIS! – JW

I HAVE A PENIS – JW

LESTRADE HAS A PENIS – JW

Need sperm sample of ape-man-gone-wrong-thing. – SH

Don't wait up. – SH

o.o - JW


	14. Chapter 14

Locked-room mystery. Need you. – Lestrade

Sherlock has flu. Bed rest for next 24-48. – JW

I could come with the case files? – Lestrade

Contagious – JW

John stole my phone. I stole his. Send me pics. – SH

Attachment: photo0304 - Lestrade

Attachment: photo0305 - Lestrade

Attachment: photo0306 - Lestrade

Attachment: photo0307 - Lestrade

Attachment: photo0308 - Lestrade

Attachment: photo0309 – Lestrade

Send close up of left hand. – SH

Attachment: photo0310 – Lestrade

Not yours! The victims. –SH

Attachment: photo0311 – Lestrade

Send close up of fireplace mantle, right side, at corner. – SH

Attachment: photo0312 – Lestrade

See the scrape? - SH

Yes? – Lestrade.

Inspect interior of flue, should be gun attached to springy material, possibly medical grade rubber. – SH

How? – SH

She has access to nurse's equipment, look at her shoes! – SH

Suicide made to look like murder. Probably her insurance won't pay out on suicide, but her depression was too strong. Thought she'd be clever about it. – SH

The gun was tied with rubber, held at tension, once she was dead, her hand released, the gun retracted into fireplace. – SH

JSYK, Anderson is spitting nails at you solving a case via text. – Lestrade.

:D - SH


End file.
